Captain Timedragon

CAPTAIN TIMEDRAGON

a sci-fi short by two authors of which I am one.

 

Sergeant Corndogh: Get me some laser shears, I need to get lightning in a bottle.

Did not receive your laser shears. Lightning still running rampant.

Corporal Flipstick: No other ways to compel lightning toward glass?

Sergeant Corndogh: None found. Bottle empty. Rocket stationary, mission to Alpha Reticuli delayed indefinitely. Please advise.

Corporal Flipstick: Laser shears occupied with containing liquid palm tree outbreak. A squadron of subparticle jugglers has been dispatched to your location.

Sergeant Corndogh: Subparticle jugglers inadvertently demolecularized by pet scaffoldpig with craycray-raygun. Send nanofuneral bots for retrieval.

Alpha Reticuli team members apparently tired of waiting for lightning fuelbottles. Currently rolling over the holographic boob sculpture of Margaret Thatcher outside launch platform. Space police dispatched for silencing.

Corporal Flipstick: Urgent warning: subparticle juggler remains highly volatile when mixed with scaffoldpig pheromones. Recommend full evacuation until risk of explosion contained.

Sergeant Corndogh: Evacuation underway as per your dispatch. Megaturtle antigrav units failing, currently reviewing policy on lassoing megaturtles for manual removal.

Policy inconclusive. Lassoing megaturtles.

Disaster. Megaturtle necks have snapped. Hordes of ultraminiturtles spouting forth from decapitation vortex.

Evacuation in jeopardy. Arming mechananolasers for self destruct. Notify next of kin.

Corporal Flipstick: Sustain order to fire mechananolasers. Frigate-class ship Timedragon inbound. Tractor beam charging up for full extraction.

Sergeant Corndogh: Timedragon confirmed. Extraction imminent.

Captain of Timedragon vessel requesting payment. Please advise.

Corporal Flipstick: Timedragon notorious for loansharking, caution recommended. Hail Alpha Reticuli fleet for support. Shimmershark fighters outbound.

Sergeant Corndogh: Ignore previous dispatch. Communication systems misread. Captain Timedragon requested penis, not payment. Mobilizing holographic Mohammed Ali penis.

Timedragon distracted by holograph. Evacuation underway.

Corporal Flipstick: Advise crew to avoid proximity to Margaret Thatcher boob hologram. Resonance cascade possible.

Sergeant Corndogh: Bypass of boob relayed. Cascade risk minimized. Timedragon currently mounting Muhammad Ali. Hologram unlikely to hold.

Hologram destroyed! Timedragon rearing cockpit in triumph. Scaffoldpig and subparticle jugglers contained in quarantine. Evacuation complete!

Corporal Flipstick: Glorious.

THE END

 

EPILOGUE

Sergeant Corndogh: Disaster strikes again. What gives? Timedragon struck down in FTL by Spaceknight. Spaceknight claiming us and rest of Timedragon’s hoard as bounty. Currently bathing itself in engine’s protoplasm to increase shield strength.

Spaceknight organic interior, adamantium exterior. Cells are cells. Minds are folding into warpstations. Minds are folding into warp. Minds are folding. Warp. Warp. What ho? Minds. Screaming!

Dark space. We return no more. Inform next of kin. Farewell.